Healing layers

I have been feeling happier lately and am finding energy and success for taking more steps at self care: Exercise, deep breathing, healthier eating.  And then I hit another wall.  I was feeling so happy and then last night this wall of of saddness his, over a friends recent death. I was feeling so lonely and usually that's when I would have called this friend.  Greif, loneliness, and then for some reason my self esteem plumeted.  Honestly I am so frusterated right now.  I have been working so hard to build my self esteem back up.  But it seems the further along this healing journey I get, the more layers of healing that come to the surface.  I reached forgiveness, and for a while that felt great.  But what in the heck is this new self image crisis.  I'm sad, and I'm tired of feeling damaged.

I keep having dreams this week that wake me up in a fright.  When I wake up, I wish there was someone next to me whose hand I could reach over and grab for comfort, but I am alone.  For now I know it's better that way, but I still want it.  Last night I dreamt I was in the basement of the women's shelter.  I heard a woman telling a man he wasn't supposed to be going down there.  He disregarded her statement and came steadily down the stairs.  My fear grew.  As he came into view he was a very tall white man with brown hair, a stern brown, very broad shoulders, and wearing all black.  As he looked directly at me and came toward me I said "Don't touch me, don't touch me!" And he continued forward and grabbed my shoulders like he was going to pick me up.  I woke up in a fright.  Just like I had two nights ago from another dream.

Healing is kind of like an onion.  Every time you work through one layer there is another to address.  I just want to be done.  I have been actively working at healing for a few years now.  Very actively for 2.  I've made leaps and bounds of progress, I'm just feeling so anxious do cross some finish line, you know?  Like I've been running some race and there is a magical ribbon I run through and throw my arms up and everyone chears.  Woohoo! You've finished healing now you can move on with your life.  Goodness.

I've been working with a family of origins couselor for 1 1/2 years now.  This Thursday he thinks I'm ready to do what he calls "childhood work."  Meaning I've learned healthy boundaries, worked through my current life crisis (divorce), and now I'm ready to tackle the pain of my childhood.  I was so excited to do it, just because I'm so determined to do the work it takes to have an emotionally healthy life, but now I think my emotions are already headed down that road.  Healing hurts in the beginning. My heart is aching.  ouch.

But I still know this is not the end, it is just a tunnel I am still walking through.  The light is getting brighter, and I see if more often.  But sometimes the lights still go out.  Just not as often as they used to.