Did my feelings of self worth fade after my marraige,
Or was I already broken?
Perhaps a bit of both.
I went through the standard teen self image questioning.
Was I beautiful, wonderful, worth it?
But in my young adulthood I remember feeling that
YES!
I was indeed beautiful,
I was indeed of value,
I was endowed with goodness and special gifts from God.
Dog gone it, I liked myslef!
And then I got married....
My husband's love for porn and everything computer screen
was much more riveting than any shade of lipstick I could find.
His disdain for me was clear,
No matter how I tried to please him,
love him,
understand or forgive him.
I could never be the girl he obsessed over for years before our marraige.
I could NEVER, ever, ever find a place back up on that perfect pedistal.
But she could,
and she could,
and so could she.
Oh, there were a lot of other "she's" that most definitely could fit on that pedistal.
But not me.
I kept trying to be a girl he could love. I never changed my core values,
But I tried to notice the styles he liked
the colors that made him swoon.
And he always liked a particular style
Until I wore it, and then he was on to the next thing.
The unending, moving, altering, shifting guessing game.
After 6 years my self esteem being whittled away
by the one who was supposed to love me,
I sat on the floor hugging my knees,
With my back to the wall in our living room.
For some strange reason
The house was quiet in that moment.
The pitter patter of toddler feet was temporarily silent.
I sat in a daze and my whole soul ached to be
"As good as I used to be"
I felt I had lost it.
Lost my goodness, my sweetness, optimism, loveliness.
And then I heard Him.
"You are as good as you used to be."
I knew that voice,
It was God's.
Not a voice I heard with my ears but the words were not my own
And came as clear as day into my mind.
But how...?
I couldn't wrap my mind around this.
With everything I appeared to be in that moment...
Depressed, tired, irritated, pessimestic,
How could I be just as good as I used to be.
But I know this now...
I did not know I was suffering from abuse.
I had no clue.
But He did.
And although he let me pass through it
He was there with me.
Usually I couldn't feel it,
I felt so alone.
But now I know He was there.]
And because I continued to turn to Him in sould wrenching, daily prayer,
He has delivered his daughter.
So much healing has come since I've been delivered...
But there is so much more to go.
And though much of the grief has lifted,
I feel my self worth, my confidence in my personality and in my beauty
Has some healing yet to do.
And though I know God could have pulled me out at any time, He had a greater purpose. He was growing me from the beautiful person I was, into something much much greater.
My moments of happiness increase. But I still suffer from the pain of my past. I wish it would all go away and I could just realize my own worth without ever doubting again. But then I remember growth is painful, and I leave you with this beautiful quote:
"For a seed to acheive its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, it's insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction." -Cynthia Occelli
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