Healing layers

I have been feeling happier lately and am finding energy and success for taking more steps at self care: Exercise, deep breathing, healthier eating.  And then I hit another wall.  I was feeling so happy and then last night this wall of of saddness his, over a friends recent death. I was feeling so lonely and usually that's when I would have called this friend.  Greif, loneliness, and then for some reason my self esteem plumeted.  Honestly I am so frusterated right now.  I have been working so hard to build my self esteem back up.  But it seems the further along this healing journey I get, the more layers of healing that come to the surface.  I reached forgiveness, and for a while that felt great.  But what in the heck is this new self image crisis.  I'm sad, and I'm tired of feeling damaged.

I keep having dreams this week that wake me up in a fright.  When I wake up, I wish there was someone next to me whose hand I could reach over and grab for comfort, but I am alone.  For now I know it's better that way, but I still want it.  Last night I dreamt I was in the basement of the women's shelter.  I heard a woman telling a man he wasn't supposed to be going down there.  He disregarded her statement and came steadily down the stairs.  My fear grew.  As he came into view he was a very tall white man with brown hair, a stern brown, very broad shoulders, and wearing all black.  As he looked directly at me and came toward me I said "Don't touch me, don't touch me!" And he continued forward and grabbed my shoulders like he was going to pick me up.  I woke up in a fright.  Just like I had two nights ago from another dream.

Healing is kind of like an onion.  Every time you work through one layer there is another to address.  I just want to be done.  I have been actively working at healing for a few years now.  Very actively for 2.  I've made leaps and bounds of progress, I'm just feeling so anxious do cross some finish line, you know?  Like I've been running some race and there is a magical ribbon I run through and throw my arms up and everyone chears.  Woohoo! You've finished healing now you can move on with your life.  Goodness.

I've been working with a family of origins couselor for 1 1/2 years now.  This Thursday he thinks I'm ready to do what he calls "childhood work."  Meaning I've learned healthy boundaries, worked through my current life crisis (divorce), and now I'm ready to tackle the pain of my childhood.  I was so excited to do it, just because I'm so determined to do the work it takes to have an emotionally healthy life, but now I think my emotions are already headed down that road.  Healing hurts in the beginning. My heart is aching.  ouch.

But I still know this is not the end, it is just a tunnel I am still walking through.  The light is getting brighter, and I see if more often.  But sometimes the lights still go out.  Just not as often as they used to.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Goodbye pain,
You've been mine for quite some time.
Holding onto you
Made me feel
My experiences were real.

And it's ok
That you stayed with me so long.
You were part
Of the necessary steps
Along my path to healing.

But now I've moved on
And if I keep you now,
You'll just hold me back.
I can't keep looking
And caressing you
Like a treasured piece of jewelry.

I'm used to you.
I'm not sure what will happen
When I let go.
You are a bit of a war badge
That says,"Look at what I made it through."

But now the Savior stands in front of me
The Savior I've come to know and love.
He says, "I paid for that, will you withhold it now?"

I look down as I hold it in my hand.
It is hard to let go.
But I love my Savior.
He loves me, and the offender.
He paid for and is willing to restore
All that was taken from me.

Will I deny Him this,
So I can stay captivated
By all the wrongs done to me?

No.
I love my Savior, and He loves the offendor.
I hand him the jewelry.
I no longer need to caress and remember.

I feel a freedom and a power.
And now, I am awake.

"Let her sleep for when she wakes, she will move mountains."

And in the case of abuse, it is also wise to wish them well and PROTECT yourself.

For now, goodbye. You are loved.

Red Flags...

In contemplating how to rebuild my self esteem after over a decade of being with someone toxic, I came across this fabulous blog:

http://ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com/2015/08/40-red-flags-of-toxic-relationships.html?showComment=1439767912733#c298422173181526046

Having what I experienced so clearly written helps me be understanding and gentle with myself as I rebuild. I hope it is helpful to you also.

Safe

To the man who wants to get to know me:

Am I safe with you?

You know,

He hurt me.

He hurt me deeply.

My heart was not safe,

My spirit was not safe,

My body was not safe,

And it should have been.

You know,

Loving me now

Might take a little work.

I am still healing.

And if I decide to come out

I need to know that I am safe.
_____________________________

A quote for your day:
"In a dating and courship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, one who is constantly critical of you, one who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.  Life is tough enough without the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy.  In this person's care, you deserve to feel physically SAFE and emotionally secure." -Jeffrey R. Holland (New Era October  2003)

Growth Hurts

I sat in church today and wondered
Did my feelings of self worth fade after my marraige,
Or was I already broken?

Perhaps a bit of both.
I went through the standard teen self image questioning.
Was I beautiful, wonderful, worth it?

But in my young adulthood I remember feeling that
YES!
I was indeed beautiful,
I was indeed of value,
I was endowed with goodness and special gifts from God.

Dog gone it, I liked myslef!
And then I got married....

My husband's love for porn and everything computer screen
was much more riveting than any shade of lipstick I could find.
His disdain for me was clear,
No matter how I tried to please him,
love him,
understand or forgive him.
I could never be the girl he obsessed over for years before our marraige.
I could NEVER, ever, ever find a place back up on that perfect pedistal.
But she could,
and she could,
and so could she.
Oh, there were a lot of other "she's" that most definitely could fit on that pedistal.

But not me.

I kept trying to be a girl he could love.  I never changed my core values,
But I tried to notice the styles he liked
the colors that made him swoon.
And he always liked a particular style
Until I wore it, and then he was on to the next thing.
The unending, moving, altering, shifting guessing game.

After 6 years my self esteem being whittled away
by the one who was supposed to love me,
I sat on the floor hugging my knees,
With my back to the wall in our living room.
For some strange reason
The house was quiet in that moment.
The pitter patter of toddler feet was temporarily silent.

I sat in a daze and my whole soul ached to be
"As good as I used to be"
I felt I had lost it.
Lost my goodness, my sweetness, optimism, loveliness.

And then I heard Him.
"You are as good as you used to be."
I knew that voice,
It was God's.
Not a voice I heard with my ears but the words were not my own
And came as clear as day into my mind.

But how...?
I couldn't wrap my mind around this.
With everything I appeared to be in that moment...
Depressed, tired, irritated, pessimestic,
How could I be just as good as I used to be.

But I know this now...
I did not know I was suffering from abuse.
I had no clue.
But He did.
And although he let me pass through it
He was there with me.
Usually I couldn't feel it,
I felt so alone.
But now I know He was there.]
And because I continued to turn to Him in sould wrenching, daily prayer,
He has delivered his daughter.

So much healing has come since I've been delivered...
But there is so much more to go.
And though much of the grief has lifted,
I feel my self worth, my confidence in my personality and in my beauty
Has some healing yet to do.

And though I know God could have pulled me out at any time, He had a greater purpose.  He was growing me from the beautiful person I was, into something much much greater.

My moments of happiness increase. But I still suffer from the pain of my past.  I wish it would all go away and I could just realize my own worth without ever doubting again.  But then I remember growth is painful, and I leave you with this beautiful quote:

"For a seed to acheive its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, it's insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn't understand growth, it would look like complete destruction." -Cynthia Occelli

Laughing Out Loud

Today I caught myself laughing out loud in the shower.

I used to cry in the shower to try and protect my kids from the sadness,
But I know sometimes they could hear.

But today I caught myself laughing and I hoped that they could hear.

I am so happy to be teaching my kids by example that setting healthy boundaries brings happiness.

Want to learn how to set healthy boundaries with people who take advantage of your kindness? Try reading this: Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Starting At The End

I will never be able to explain how it felt,
That feeling that told me he wanted to kill me.

It started more subtly than that,
After I told him we needed to separate.
It was more of a gnawing feeling in my stomach
And an angels whisper in my heart
That said, "Be careful, he might harm you."

It was just a feeling,
But I didn't know what to do with it.
Lock my doors,
Look over my shoulder,
Sleep with my phone next to my pillow?
What else was I supposed to do?

Every noise outside, especially at night
Sent me into a frozen fear.
I can't explain it.
A fear that filled my whole body
And made it difficult to move.

I look back and see that these were my greatest moments of bravery.  I look back and see that although I felt completely and utterly alone, God was with me.

My friends and family encouraged me to call Domestic Violence Service.
I felt I didn't belong there,
like what I had experienced wasn't really abuse.
DVS was for women who'd experienced much more than me, so I thought.
But there was no question, two of my best friends made me call
And waited in the other room until I'd made an appointment.

"I don't know if DVS is for me..." I told Mrs. D (name whitheld). Little did I know how well I'd get to know this earthly angel.  She listened as I told her about my experiences, most of them not physical.  She assured me that these were abusive situations and that DVS could help.  I set my appointment.

At my appointment I reiterated (as I had done with counselors and friends and family) what my experiences were, saying I didn't know if DVS was really the right place for me.  I was assured that it was, that what I had experienced was abusive.  One thing I've learned is victims of abuse commonly don't consider themselves as such.  I definitely did not, but with support and education about what had been happening to me, I began to understand. I was warned that now that I was deciding to make this separation permanent, that I should be careful.  Separation from an abuser can become very dangerous.  I didn't believe it, yet somewhere deep inside of me, a place I didn't want to acknowledge, I knew it was.

This feeling inside me grew as the divorce process went on.
Grew and grew and grew.

I was afraid that he would shoot me.

I was afraid he’d break in, and I’d be standing there,

Or running, or hiding in the bathroom with my children

And then he’d shoot.

First me, then himself.

And then something happened I am not at liberty to explain,
But it became clear that my life really was in immenent danger and I had to leave my home.

The Women's Shelter...
Again, somehow I believed that my experiences weren't severe enough to be welcomed there.  When I told them my circumstances, I was quickly welcomed in. A few days later an advocate told me that my spouse had all the classic red flags for a homicide, suicide, and that I was top priority on the list.  Hearing that was so validating, when I felt that maybe I could squeek in, maybe I could convince someone that I really wasn't safe.  Not only were they convinced that I might be in danger, at least one was convinced my life was at risk.  It was so nice to be believed.

The shelter is such a mix of memories and emotions for me, both good and bad.

The shelter saved my life and was filled with workers who knew the patterns of feelings I was experiencing. I felt validated, and supported. They made the shelter feel as much like a home as possible.  For that I will always be grateful.  That is what I needed for my children.  Something that seemed like a home. And it was. But it also smelled of smoke, and was filled with strangers, and the feeling of oppression. Every room in the shelter was full.

I told my children we were on an adventure…

But they knew something wasn’t right.

They knew that mommy may not be safe if daddy knew where I was sleeping.

I was careful that they never heard me talk negatively of their father,

But when it came down to mommy's life, they had to know not to tell him where I was when they went on their court ordered supervised visits.

I  remember when I'd be out and about during the day

Driving around the town, going anywhere but home or anywhere nearby

In case he was watching for me.

In case he was trying to find me and end my life.

I remember driving down the road when the song "Titanium" came on.
Before I went to the shelter I didn't even like that song.
The pulsing noise hurt my ears, and I always changed the channel.
But this time I felt the song pulse through my numb body.

My eyes wide and distant
My lips singing the words "bang bang, fire away"
And wondering... wondering if it would happen.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLuZl-0Pjuo

Soon I'll share some stories from the beautiful people I met in the shelter. All names changed. And before I end this post I want to express that even in my darkest hour, I KNOW I was being led by God. My days in the shelter were the darkest of days, but God used them to create something beautiful in me.

These things are actually really hard for me to share. I have a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. But for some reason I feel God moving me to tell my story, so without understanding all the reasons, I am going to stumble through recording my journey from sorrow to joy. And in light of the title, "Starting at the end" here are two quotes that helped me know this time in my life was not really the end, but the beginning of something wonderful:

Good night wonderful woman. You are loved.

Dear Wonderful Woman

Dear wonderful woman:
You,
Yes, you.

I am here to offer a word of understanding.
To the woman who has been belittled,
Critisized,
Betrayed.

To you
Dear beautiful woman,

From one who has crawled through the bitterness of betrayal and abuse,
From one who knows what it feels to lose all sense of self...
And rise above
To become
The beautiful wonderful woman I have always been,

I share hope.

I once thought that the tears I shed over my abusive marraige would break me, but instead they are growing my beautiful garden.  Your tears can grow you a garden too, and the joy we will feel at the view of each glorious blossom will surpass the grief of all our tears.

Come, stop by every now and then and read the deepest feelings of my heart.

You are loved.