The Candlelight Vigil Marks One Year

This month marks a years since I was in the women's shelter with my children.  Ironically, this is Domestic Violence awareness month.  Our local DVS holds a candlelight vigil every October.  Tonight I went.  I wondered how I would feel going, and assumed it would feel like opening a painful memory.  Instead I felt joy.  I was able to thank the workers that helped me when I was in the shelter last year.  My favorite angel DVS worker and I cried together at the joy of seeing eachother under happier circumstances.  I told her how happy I am now and how well I'm doing.  I was able to thank her, and others for the part they played in saving my life and walking me through such a critical part of my healing journey.  Joy swelled in my heart as we listened to amazing grace and I felt like I had finally done it.  I survived and now I'm stronger for it.  I am happy, so so happy a majority of the time.  What a miracle it is to be able to say that now.

As I was standing there talking to my favorite angel worker, A child came up and hugged me.  I looked down and saw one of the sweet girls I teach at school!  The angel worker whispered to me, "She's one of our shelter children." In shock I got down on my knees and hugged this sweet girl.  I told her how excited I am to see her at school tomorrow. Then I looked up at the angel worker and explained, "I'm one of her teachers at school!"

My heart yearns to go to school tomorrow and show this sweetheart as much love as I possibly can during the 25 minutes I am with her each day.  I wish I could take away the hard things happening to her right now.  But now when I see her, I will see my child: my child that was in the shelter and needed extra love.  I will be the heart she needs, even if just for a few minutes.

Now that I am nearing the end of my own personal healing journey, I feel a new purpose.  With the happiness that I now feel, I step forward and love.  I step forward with a purpose of doing my part to help the Savior heal hearts.

Each one of those luminaries represents someone that DVS has served this year in our area.  There's 3 for my kids, and 1 for me.  Thank you to those who shared their love and knowledge to help heal my family.

Grief: Tips on seeing the process through to the end.

My post a couple days ago about the grief I was experiencing obviously expressed that I felt as if the grief process I've been going through over the last couple of years will never end.  Good news, it does.  After fully processing and giving a creative outlet to my sadness, I feel I have successfully peeled another healing layer off the ME-onion.  I am learning, with the help of an experienced couselor, that whenever something is fully and successfully grieved, the after effects feel great; kind of like a rainbow after the rain. My counselor also helped me understand that I've gone through several grief process back to back over the last two years, making it feel like one looooong grief process. On the upside, I'm becoming a bit of a pro at learning how to successfully walk through grief! lol!

Here are a few skills I've learned to help myself process those feeling.  Hopefully it will serve as a reference for you to help you make it through hard things:

Write a letter to the person you are having feelings about (whether it be angry, sad, or lonely etc.) The letter need not be sent.  It is an outlet of expression for YOU. Remove your filters and judgements and express your feelings honestly. Feel free to discard the letter if and when you want to.

Use the "Empty chair" technique: Meaning, pretend the person you are having feelings about is sitting in a chair across from you silently listening and understaning you.  Talk to them out loud.  Fully express everything that comes out.  Try not to be frightened if you end up crying, screaming, or yelling.  Remember, you are giving these feelings an outlet of release so they will go away and leave you alone.  They will either stayed harboured and hidden inside, causing distructive behaviors in your daily life, or they can be given a healthy outlet, where you can acknowledge, express, release, and move on with your life with a feeling of peace. I always make sure my children are not at home before I allow myself to use the empty chair technique. The person to whom you are addressing your feeling may not be living anymore.  Your feelings about them, whether positive or negative, still need an expressive and appropriate outlet.

Choose a creative outlet of expression.  For me that is sometimes writing poetry, sometimes it's dance.  You don't have to be good at it, just do it.  I haven't danced for two decades.  I'm not skilled at it, but I love it.

Dance also falls under the category of physical exercise.  Maybe you like running, or lifting.  Choose what best compliments your own personality and nature.

Dancing My Way to Self Esteem

After my post on my low self esteem.  I fasted and prayed that God would help me feel better about myself. I have definitely felt it.  I have noticed a deeper connection between my spirit and body as I return to something I loved as a child: ballet.  I can't afford a formal class, so I've found some online ballet instructionals and have found it very emotionally healing.  I wonder if it's the actual act of doing something I did as a child: feeling a healing connection with my roots.

I have noticed during my healing journey I have returned to things I identified with as a child: blonde hair, a desire for connection with my sourthern roots, dance and ballet.  And I do believe it is one factor that has aided me on this long, long journey.

A journey I sincerely hope will continue to increasingly have more ups than downs.

Grieving the death of a friend

Grief

A never ending river

Flowing inside of me.

He is dead.

And my heart cries out for him.

For his frienship,

His companionship,

For the presence of his caring spirit.

The grief of his passing

Flows into the river

Of the tragedies

I was already grieving.

The grief flows

And feels as if,

Unlike his life,

It will never end.

Healing layers

I have been feeling happier lately and am finding energy and success for taking more steps at self care: Exercise, deep breathing, healthier eating.  And then I hit another wall.  I was feeling so happy and then last night this wall of of saddness his, over a friends recent death. I was feeling so lonely and usually that's when I would have called this friend.  Greif, loneliness, and then for some reason my self esteem plumeted.  Honestly I am so frusterated right now.  I have been working so hard to build my self esteem back up.  But it seems the further along this healing journey I get, the more layers of healing that come to the surface.  I reached forgiveness, and for a while that felt great.  But what in the heck is this new self image crisis.  I'm sad, and I'm tired of feeling damaged.

I keep having dreams this week that wake me up in a fright.  When I wake up, I wish there was someone next to me whose hand I could reach over and grab for comfort, but I am alone.  For now I know it's better that way, but I still want it.  Last night I dreamt I was in the basement of the women's shelter.  I heard a woman telling a man he wasn't supposed to be going down there.  He disregarded her statement and came steadily down the stairs.  My fear grew.  As he came into view he was a very tall white man with brown hair, a stern brown, very broad shoulders, and wearing all black.  As he looked directly at me and came toward me I said "Don't touch me, don't touch me!" And he continued forward and grabbed my shoulders like he was going to pick me up.  I woke up in a fright.  Just like I had two nights ago from another dream.

Healing is kind of like an onion.  Every time you work through one layer there is another to address.  I just want to be done.  I have been actively working at healing for a few years now.  Very actively for 2.  I've made leaps and bounds of progress, I'm just feeling so anxious do cross some finish line, you know?  Like I've been running some race and there is a magical ribbon I run through and throw my arms up and everyone chears.  Woohoo! You've finished healing now you can move on with your life.  Goodness.

I've been working with a family of origins couselor for 1 1/2 years now.  This Thursday he thinks I'm ready to do what he calls "childhood work."  Meaning I've learned healthy boundaries, worked through my current life crisis (divorce), and now I'm ready to tackle the pain of my childhood.  I was so excited to do it, just because I'm so determined to do the work it takes to have an emotionally healthy life, but now I think my emotions are already headed down that road.  Healing hurts in the beginning. My heart is aching.  ouch.

But I still know this is not the end, it is just a tunnel I am still walking through.  The light is getting brighter, and I see if more often.  But sometimes the lights still go out.  Just not as often as they used to.

Thoughts on Forgiveness

Forgiveness

Goodbye pain,
You've been mine for quite some time.
Holding onto you
Made me feel
My experiences were real.

And it's ok
That you stayed with me so long.
You were part
Of the necessary steps
Along my path to healing.

But now I've moved on
And if I keep you now,
You'll just hold me back.
I can't keep looking
And caressing you
Like a treasured piece of jewelry.

I'm used to you.
I'm not sure what will happen
When I let go.
You are a bit of a war badge
That says,"Look at what I made it through."

But now the Savior stands in front of me
The Savior I've come to know and love.
He says, "I paid for that, will you withhold it now?"

I look down as I hold it in my hand.
It is hard to let go.
But I love my Savior.
He loves me, and the offender.
He paid for and is willing to restore
All that was taken from me.

Will I deny Him this,
So I can stay captivated
By all the wrongs done to me?

No.
I love my Savior, and He loves the offendor.
I hand him the jewelry.
I no longer need to caress and remember.

I feel a freedom and a power.
And now, I am awake.

"Let her sleep for when she wakes, she will move mountains."

And in the case of abuse, it is also wise to wish them well and PROTECT yourself.

For now, goodbye. You are loved.

Red Flags...

In contemplating how to rebuild my self esteem after over a decade of being with someone toxic, I came across this fabulous blog:

http://ldsdivorcevictims.blogspot.com/2015/08/40-red-flags-of-toxic-relationships.html?showComment=1439767912733#c298422173181526046

Having what I experienced so clearly written helps me be understanding and gentle with myself as I rebuild. I hope it is helpful to you also.